This used to be a common reference to me not too long ago when I decided to reinvigorate, or rather, pursue an art career. I’m a lawyer, somewhat of the non-practicing persuasion, but admitted to practice nonetheless. I don’t put this out there as a badge of honor or for bragging rights but as a way of illustrating the the importance of going after your dreams.
While I will admit my law degree was good for learning how to ingest and analyzing large quantities of information and honing my ability to write more concisely, it wasn’t what I was passionate about. It just seemed like a practical pursuit and a safer route than attending art school, which was something I was toying with after I finished college. Instead, I went ahead and enrolled in law school but my lack of passion or interest in the law becoming increasingly apparent with each passing year of school. I think it was responsible for a lot of the stress that I slugged through; I knew I was struggling for something I really didn’t want. For those of you aren’t familiar with it, law school is no picnic (unless maybe you’re a sadist or you’re in denial); even the people who I know that did exceptionally well and are in satisfying careers frequently wonder aloud why they, or anyone else would put themselves through it.
Aside from being massively stressed, I was also creatively depleted too. Up until law school, I drew and painted frequently and even exhibited some of pieces in local cafes back in my hometown in Michigan but that soon changed when I became a law student. My desire to draw and paint quickly evaporated so that every time I tried to sit down and paint something, I ended up just staring at a blank page. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until my last few months of law school that my desire to create returned, which was probably because I realized that the end was near. Duality was a result of this reawakening.
"Duality", 9x12 inches, Watercolor by Jaimee Todd
So after I make it through graduation, moved to New York, passed the bar exam, I started looking for attorney jobs in the public and private sector. Despite all the networking, volunteering, and putting on a brave face, I couldn’t get over the feelings of queasiness every time I went into a job interview for a position that I knew I didn’t really want. I really began to feel as though I was living an inauthentic life. Every time I read about someone who had shed the weight of other people’s expectations and went after their dreams, I felt my spirit yearn for the same thing. Around this time, I had decided to buy a small Kodak digital camera and started taking pictures of fascinating my New York surroundings and went on to paint them.
In the meantime, I took up legal contract gigs around the city so I could at least pay my bills while I tried to make sense of what I wanted to do with my life. One day, I brought copies of my paintings to work to show to some of my friends who expressed interest in my creative pursuits. One of them looked through my prints and flatly asked, “Why are you lawyer? This is what you should be doing.” That was somewhat of a lightbulb moment for me; why wasn’t I pursuing this more vigorously? What was I afraid of? Realistically, I knew that the art world is super competitive and being able to sustain yourself from from your fine art is a luxury that not everyone can afford but that still didn’t mean I couldn’t pursue my art. I would just do what lots of artists here do until they get their breakthrough moment; do your bread and butter gig so that you can still practice what you love (without necessarily going into the poor house).
In spite of this realization, I knew that one of the hardest thing about this decision was feeling comfortable about sharing my dreams without ridicule from others; particularly the ones that I went to law school with. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I would have to get over this fear because there was always going to be someone that a problem with my decision. Case in point: I met a former classmate for dinner and drinks one night. She had attended FIT and then decided to go to the same law school that I went to and then went straight for her LLM afteward. After she spent most of the night bragging about her accomplishments, her new job, and having her own office, I finally told her about my decision to pursue my art and my true feelings about being a lawyer. My confession was met with cynicism, pessimism and mild scorn. According to her, not only was I making a big mistake (because she had assumed that I LOVED law school and that I would make an excellent attorney. Don’t ask me where she got this from; she talked so much about herself in the two years that I knew her that it seemed like she was vaguely aware that I existed) but also, my technical skills were lacking and I should really go to art school to “get it together”. Then she proceeded to brag about how she used to be a fashion designer and that her mother was a big time artist that used to hang out with the likes of Salvador Dali.
Needless to say that after that night, I no longer consider this person a friend.
That little incident also taught me that you really do find out who your real friends are when you make important decisions like that, irrespective of whether it makes sense to other people. I found that my true friends openly supported me and wished me well. These are the people that have and continue to support me to this day.
I made that decision to take a different path about four years ago. Since that time, I have continued painting, participated in various art exhibitions in New York City, developed an online gallery (in addition to this here blog) received several commissions and have met some pretty incredible people along the way. In short, I feel as though I’m really going after my dream. It isn’t totally concrete and there are still things that I work on along the way, but I am a lot happier in deciding to go my own path, however unusual and imperfect. I still do contract legal work, but I now see it as a way of funding what is really important to me.
I wrote this post not only as a way of being more open about who I really but also to hopefully encourage any of you out there that are sitting on the fence about your dreams. You only live once and it’s best done when you go after what you want instead of what people think you ought to prefer. As cliche as it sounds, nothing could be more true than they saying: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
